Help! I Married An Engineer

Engineers are renowned for their smarts. English majors are renowned for their discourse. When the two marry, it’s like a union between a cat and a dog—polar opposites. My electrical engineer husband lived up to the genius reputation—he was smart enough to propose within six weeks of dating before I, the English major, giddy with the extensive vocal interaction, could discover our long, nightly phone conversations were exhausting his verbal resources. By our wedding day, my husband was rendered speechless—not by my exquisite bridal beauty or from being choked up by love—he simply had run out of things to say.

Like many newlyweds determined not to let love or passion fade with time, we devotedly read The Five Love Languages, determined to keep each other’s love tank filled to overflowing. We learned that my primary love language was words of affirmation, while his was physical touch. As much as my husband desired to lather me with affirming words, getting an engineer to articulate is like insisting a deaf person hear your favorite song. Now what?

The biggest asset an engineer brings to marriage is his ability to fix ANYTHING. Well, perhaps with the exception of plumbing issues. This is a huge enhancement to a relationship—the money that is saved from his handiwork can finance a trip to the mall! My husband and I connect very well on this level since I’m always breaking things that he needs to fix. There was the time I accidentally ripped the toilet paper holder out of the wall (seriously, how does THAT happen), the time I smashed my curling iron through the bathroom light fixture, and let’s not forget when I tore the shower head from the wall while cleaning. We’re now to the point in our marriage when I holler, “Kevin!’ he responds calmly with, “What did you break now?” Mentioning how many supplies, trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot, and tool purchases an engineer requires to complete these projects would fill the pages of another article.

When an engineer isn’t preoccupied with fixing his wife’s flubs, his talents can be channeled to the domestic scene to enhance the homey, nesting environment his mate is continually refining. Want a picture hung or a family portrait placed on display? Give an engineer some drywall screws and a trusty level, and viola! There was a point in time when I thought my husband was in a serious relationship with his level. No household project could be completed without the seal of approval from the level—practically another appendage! Need a shelf built for those supplies? No problem! Just let your engineer have free reign in purchasing more software for this project that he’ll never use again and give him ample time to think it out, and within five years, you might have that very shelf of your dreams! When you’re married to an engineer, assembly directions are no longer necessary! Whether it’s putting together a baby crib, desk, or a ceiling fan, you can be assured your engineer can figure it out in a snap. The only downside is that engineers are perfectionists at heart, so the planning and strategizing can potentially be so intense that you may have to threaten to hire out the task to motivate him to speed up the process. Have you ever seen an engineer behind an apron in the kitchen? I can guarantee you’ve never seen vegetables and meats diced so finely.

During an engineering meeting at my husband’s place of employment, the project leader encouraged the team to work together more cooperatively on a particular assignment to increase efficiency, enabling them to meet a looming deadline (engineers would prefer to be islands, working alone). To put it bluntly, the project leader stated, “We need to work together on this, and let’s face it—we’re engineers. We suck at relationships.” Don’t take your engineer’s silence personally. He’s not exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior to punish you for some unknown issue, nor has he lost interest in you—he’s just being an engineer. My husband once told me this joke to put things in perspective:

An engineer riding his bike across campus runs into another engineer.

The first engineer says, “Wow, nice bike! Where’d you get it?”

The second engineer says, “I was walking on campus, and some girl stopped and jumped off her bike, tore off her clothes, and said, ‘Take what you want.’”

The first engineer replied, “Yeah, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit anyway. Good thing you chose the bike.”

Being married to an engineer has another benefit—you get to have the floor more often! Just realize that most of your conversation is perceived as idle chit-chat and unimportant drivel, no matter how much he tries to pretend he’s really interested. To engage him in any type of verbal interaction, it’s crucial to ask questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yep” or “nope.” Engineers are interested in politics and current events, they are obsessed with the latest gadgets, electronics, and gaming systems, and they like to travel. Focus on those topics to spark conversation.

Engineers are only opinionated about the few subjects that really interest them. This is to your advantage and gives you tremendous free reign. You could say, “I think I’m going to lay orange carpet, paint the walls yellow and brown, and install a disco ball in the center of the family room.” He won’t even notice the difference. You can wear your hair any length or style and dye it hot pink, and he’ll say he likes it any way you fix it. You can tell him the itinerary you have mapped out for the weekend, and he’ll happily acquiesce to the plan. Engineers are docile at heart with an easy-going nature.

Literally, give him space to keep all of his gadgetry “junk,” and he’ll have something to happily tinker with on rainy days. Engineers hoard copious amounts of negligible components that would make prudent depression era seniors proud. I thought my husband was starting a scrap yard in miniature when I stumbled upon the piles and piles of rubbish to which only an engineer would assign value. Early in our marriage, I made a clean sweep with a garbage bag, certain such trinkets and pieces parts had been forgotten and would never be missed. Fortunately, my husband still maintained a newlywed buzz that kept his temper in check when he’d ask me if I’d seen a particular item. Unaware that such a small metal piece even had a label, I would need to hear a description before I could verify it had walked the landfill plank. Hey, I didn’t toss actual tools—I tossed random circuitry! With 5 ½ years of marriage now under our belt, I know better than to throw away any of his collectibles that he “might need” someday. Newlywed bliss won’t save me now! I guess if he tossed any of my pots and pans I seldom use except for when I make “that one dish,” I’d be upset too. There is a way to compromise to keep your house looking neat, even though you live with an engineer. Give him space! My husband has a section of cabinets in our family room where he can squirrel away his stash. He also has most of the utility room drawers and cabinets and space in the garage. As long as his treasures don’t litter our living space, we’re all happy! I must admit, despite the chaos of his cabinets, he maintains an accurate mental inventory, and he does use some of his spoils. At those moments, he doesn’t even try to hide the smirk.

Have you ever heard engineers talking together? You feel like you’re abroad and listening to a foreign tongue. I don’t know all the nuances of analog versus digital, and I know nothing of schematics. I use my command of the English language to trifle with my husband in return. When he asked me what the root of caesarean was during one of his intellectual ponderings, I blankly replied that it was Latin for take the baby out and was unduly amused that he believed me (though I later confessed).

If you’re married to an engineer but find yourself lonely and starving for conversation that he cannot muster, no matter how much he’d like to, there’s no need to throw in the towel and despair. Talk to any married couple, and you will find that every family has “issues.” Be glad that your issue is merely a quiet spouse who is otherwise a very fine man! We live in an age where we can virtually communicate with anyone in the entire world, so you have ample resources at your fingertips to interact with others on any level. Here are some suggestions:

· Join a local church where you can interact in a variety of women’s activities, such as Bible studies, women’s retreats and conferences, and ladies night out.

· If you have children, participate in a nearby chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Pre-schoolers) where you can connect to other women who are in your same season of life.

· Volunteer in your community and serve in a soup kitchen, habitat for humanity project, Hospice, visit shut-ins, or help in your child’s school classroom.

· Pursue a career where you can foster relationships with co-workers and enjoy interacting with the general public.

· Take advantage of online social media—stay connected with friends through e-mail, Facebook, texting, and the plethora of electronic methods now available. Oh, and let’s not forget you can still talk to others by the good, old-fashioned PHONE.

If you are married to an engineer but are consumed with raising children, remember that your little birds are going to fly the nest one day. It’s important that you cultivate friendships now so you’ll continue to enjoy those relationships as you and your spouse enter your golden years together. In the meantime, if you want to give your engineer a night he won’t forget, pop his favorite game into the Wii, pick up a controller, and announce, “Game on!”